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12月23日 A Frosty ReceptionIt would appear that I have been afflicted with a case of the seasonal procrastination. Everyone knows it, it's that thing that strikes you down when you're on your holidays which magically speeds up time, makes it go dark and leaves you both with a sick feeling in your gut and the dreary thought- "where has the day gone?". I personally blame the wonderful game known as Minesweeper which I've sadly only just learnt to play and am currently trying to beat the world record (my personal best currently on the tiny one is 25 seconds- the record is 1 second apparently). Further to this, my passion for Tetris has been rekindled although the background music makes me want to burn things and also I believe you can develop something called the "Tetris Effect" which makes a person see objects such as tins in a cupboard or boxes fit together in a similar way to the game. I personally believe that this would make life much more interesting and look forward to walking into Morrisons tomorrow and rearranging their mince pie displays. Just to be festive. Hello! I'm back for a Christmas edition; although I believe only about two people may actually see this. It's disconcerting to see how this went from a daily blog, to one per two days, to weekly, to monthly to finally quad-yearly. That said, it could be argued that nothing interesting happened in the intervening period since the last few musings. Here's a summary. I went to university (in Manchester), got cold, may have gotten drunk and discovered that Law with Politics is an interesting degree. Oh yeah, I also learnt that there is a way to get free meals short of theft and relying on the goodwill of strangers. Not too interesting ey? I could return to my old haunt of satiricialness. I was a bit rubbish at that admittedly- the only thing worth mentioning is the fact that I'm deeply saddened by the fact that Menzies Campbell left the Liberal Democrat leadership post because people thought he was too old. He was my friend on Facebook! He was the lynchpin of my attempt to re-climb the social ladder and become somebody again, but no... the media had to go and make him resign. And now he's been replaced by someone who came second place in a David Cameron look-alike contest. He might be on Facebook too- I just haven't poked him yet, though. Actually I can blame Facebook for my withdrawal from the cultured and evolved higher intellectual arena of blog-writing. It would appear that garnering a burgeoning friends list is more appealing than sentences and grammar and words and letters and stuff. I currently have loads for reasons beyond knowledge. It makes me look cool? Maybe? Perhaps? No? If you do want to add my good self- there is a link yonder on the right... It's Christmas! Arghhhhhh. What does this mean? Turkey? Drink? Doctor Who? I know it does for me. What annoys me is the fact that it's still cold, but there is no bloody snow. It's like a doughnut without jam/lemon/custard/apple/raspberry, although you can technically get doughnuts with the whole, which kind of defeats the simile. But anyway, I want snow! I want to go sledging and build a snowman and yes I know I'm 19 and have a snowfight. Stupid global warming. One day, we will have Christmas in the summer and the world will end. I could just move north, I suppose, or make some out of cotton wool. Anyway, if you want to buy me a present, just wish for snow or for me to get the Minesweeper record. Or a pony. Spelling- snow- s-n-o-w bb =][= 10月24日 A video about me...Take a look at the new video by Jim Noir. I'm sure it has a slight reference to my good self..
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=][= 8月27日 In Wheeltime.In the week that the World Health Organisation alerts us to the fact that a new deadly virus or disease could evolve to plague us in the near future, I'd like to take some time out to highlight a danger that is present and very real happening right now and stalking the streets. It's typically small, very fast, uncoordinated and slightly annoying.
I am of course talking about the outbreak given the name "Heelys". Everyone has been affected by this recent epidemic. The "Heelys" virus has the unusual symptom of granting small wheels to the back feet of children thus giving them unparalleled power in the forward, backward and sidewards planes as well as a turning circle, which is a feat unknown to the classic design of human feet. Those suffering also have the ability to walk and go unnoticed amongst us and thus merge back into society.
I must warn you of these dangers. It is new. It is unknown. It would appear that they congregate in shopping centres and supermarkets- their tiled and shiny floors providing excellent surfaces for their wheels. Moreover, attempts to stem the growth of this problem have fallen on deaf ears- warning signs are useless and are often ignored by both children and parents alike; parents who fear the discovery of their ill offspring.
The only defence I have discovered is uneven surfaces, ASBOs and tripping. These combined will ultimately result in bruised knees, battered egos and bashed noggins. Claims that this method is "cruel", "evil" and "vindictive" are unproven. I do, however, have another equally potent answer to "Heelys", but it is perhaps the proverbial using a sledgehammer to break a nut. That said, if we do see the need for it, I suggest we re-release Pokémon cards and Pogs back into the wild; their effects being seen to distract and place the affected children in homes where shoes are forbidden.
In other news...
I'm going to Manchester University! If you are going, please say hello to me and not attack me. I may even buy you a drink.
It will be a fun experience I'm sure, and I hope to detail my exploits via this lovely blog, but of course for the most up-to-date news, go to Facebook. It's brilliant.
And finally, I've one an Oscar, the Cannes prize, a Bafta and a Blue Peter badge for my performance in "Opening the Results on Live TV". Yey.
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=][= 8月16日 Mr. Writer infiltrates TV land!Would you look at that?
How sexy does he look?
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=][= 8月7日 Your statutory rights are affected...News just in: BBC forced to admit that Bob the Builder is not a real builder and is in fact made out of plasticine. Further to this, in a subsequent investigation, it has also been revealed that the Teletubbies and Tweenies are not real either; but people dressed up and masquerading in a conscious attempt to deceive small children and curious hung over teenagers alike. And finally Doctor Who isn't qualified to practise medicine.
It seems we're living in a bizarre period where the media has discovered that the media is full of lies- the level of scrutiny acting like a dog chasing its own tail. Of course it took only one person to realise that phoning into a GMTV competition to answer the question- "Where is your nose?- a) Madagascar, b) 33, c) on your face"- might not be so easy as it made out to be to initiate an investigation and of course all easy questions were targeted. Other phone scandals involved Big Brother, where it was rumoured that the text line included numbers to big to be understood by those replying and Deal or no Deal where the banker was said to be a figment of Noel Edmonds's mind.
And then of course Queenie! was wrongly accused of walking out on a photo shoot because of some dispute over clothing, but personally I think it was due to pay...
At this point I must also admit, lest I be sued, that some elements of this blog could be fabricated for attempted humorous means. If you spot anything that could be misconstrued please call this helpline and leave your complaint-
0800 7494 9367
(calls cost £3 per second)
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=][= 7月23日 The revolution passed him by... Yet again Spaces has been changed and I'm sitting here confused... I think I'm doing it right, though. If you're reading this, I've succeeded. If not, then I haven't but you won't know the difference as you haven't read anything to fear.
Anyway, here's a quick note to alert you all to the fact that Harry Potter is good. I queued at midnight like the sentimental loser I am and endured apocalypse inclined ceaseless rain and the presence of six chavs aged between eight and ten drinking cider from a Lilt bottle and following passers-by like hungry dogs in search of an elusive "fag". Of course I was asked and politely said "No" which seemed to unleash a torrent of abuse aimed at society in general and why shouldn't they? I mean, more people should smoke and give them freely to ten year old drunk kids because that would make the world a better place.
A riot van took care of them...
I managed to break into the shop at twelve and buy the book and go home and read it and finish it the next morning and feel happy but empty. If you want a recommendation free of spoilers and reference, look below.
It is good.
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=][= 6月19日 Tunnel Vision's revengeThey chased me over green fields, streams and woods, but I was too quick for their steely clutches and savage dogs. After lying under a fallen tree for five hours, I deemed it safe to emerge and managed to traverse the paths to the safety of my home with the precious cargo of pictures which you can view below-
  Well that would've been the exciting conclusion to the story. Instead, a group of us star-gazers marched up a hill and surreptitiously took some pictures on the old camera phone and went home. However! On the way, we saw a couple sat on a hill with a beer watching the event (probably as a preamble to Glastonbury) and about two families who decided to go as opposed to a trip to the sea. There were also numerous dog walkers who kept barking- alerting the guards to our position.
It was a fun twenty minutes.
Revision- The 'Great' Reform Act of 1832 increased the electorate by 66%, but in reality, still only 7.8% of the total population could vote.
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=][= 6月15日 Tunnel visionPeople always ask for proof when I say Bolton is a celebrity hotspot and proceed to throw bits of paper at me. But come on, we have Vernon Kay, Peter Kay, Sara Cox, Paul Nicholls and her from Coronation Street. With more famous people per square metre than Selfridges, who can claim our crown? Anyway, the jewel of this crown undoubtedly comes tomorrow as GARY NEVILLE of football fame (he plays for Manchester United and England) has his wedding reception further up my road!
For the past year he has been building his house on the top of the most prominent hill and like the proverbial Lord-of-the-Manner he will rule over us plebs from his wooden balcony. In accordance with his wedding, our road has been closed off, the chavs shot and the bins emptied for the second week in a row. Of course I've not been invited; what with being so far down in the Chain of Being, but never fear, if a footballer need his boots cleaning with real sweat and tears, I will be sat on my wall with my cloth cap and tweed jacket. I've even had a bath for the occasion.
Rest assured, though. When the eyes are turned and the guests drunk, I do plan to try and infiltrate the reception (it's in a field). Hopefully I can avoid 'Hello?' magazine and 'OK?' although 'NOW?' would be alright as they have a balanced approach to story telling. In addition, if I can obtain a shrimp pasta side dish then I will be a happy person- estimates suggest I could make £4.50 on ebay and that's without postage! If I manage to get a few pictures too, my family will feast for at least three weeks.
Anyway, wish me luck! If you want me to pass any messages on to Gary, I'll do so (for free).
Revision- Dr Faustus is a play based on some truth.
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=][= 5月27日 Hit The Ground RunningWell, another section of my educational adventure ends in a mixture of streamers, tears and hay fever. My college days are done and now I can focus on other things like life(!), jobs(!), love(!), exams(?) and university(!). Of course, no last day is complete without Kyle's looting spree- which involves my good self running around the college taking notices displays and signs that bare some resemblance to my life there- thus my collection included the 'daily notices', a poster for a football campaign I had been involved with, a poster for our "Leavers Do 2007 (sic)", a couple of newsletters, a sign barring people from blocking a door and a poster of former Prime Minister Clement Attlee. Some people would accuse me of being a hooligan; others plain weird.
It feels strange that such a chapter closes now, especially as this here blog has outlasted it all; I still remember the discussions regarding the onset of college and its workload, its difference from school, the maturity. Did it occur? Somewhat yes, but profoundly, no. Friends were still made and realisations about the absence of character was quickly realised in others. People came and people went as the pressure of education forced them to work in the 'real world'. I think my time has been characterised by a withdrawal from most people to a tight-knit group- a loci of friends who I could confide in. Did I benefit from this? Perhaps, but there is a certain indifference in myself to people who are aquaintances- feelings of sadness on the occasion were curiously absent, except for my teachers who were such a positive and strident force of my time there.
It may very well come to a head when the Leavers Do does come around and the finality of not two, but seven years at my school does end. We shall see.
In other news...
I can see Gordon Brown's coronation after all! Due to an error on my part, I've discovered that my last exam occurs the day before Tony Blair's departure, which of course means I can watch history happen. At least in theory- methinks I may have to pay to see said event or even become a member of the Labour Party, which would be bad as money is tight and well, buses now cost £3.30. Either way, there will surely be lots of coverage on my favourite TV channel BBC News 24.
Sigh.
I feel bad in the neglect I have placed on this blog. This is marked by the curious tempo changes in my writing styles. For this I blame MySpace and its emphasis on the one or two word comments that it so helpfully emphasises. The youth 'blogosphere' has perhaps all but evaporated or swirled into the myriad airs of Bebo and Facebook's trail smoke. Admiration for a person can now simply be shown by adding their picture to a preferential list as opposed to extensive writing somewhere on the web. If you are reading this, thanks. If not, I pity you.
Still, it is useful to keep track of bands for which I'm eternally grateful.
Revision- The Chartists of the 19th Century put forward six points that were their demands. These were- the vote for all males over 21 (subject to limitations), payment of MPs, no property qualifications, yearly parliaments, secret ballots and similar sized constituencies. Their movement ultimately failed, but their demands are all (bar yearly General Elections) implemented or bettered today.
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=][= 5月20日 PenniesBiggest decision ever time...
Do I revise or go and see Gordon Brown officially become the Prime Minister in Manchester?
I don't know which is more enticing...
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=][= 4月14日 MyfacetubeYou have to admit it's scary when you meet someone who decides to do their coursework on David Cameron and his media stunts. I am such a person. I don't know why I did it; I could have chosen to write about American elections, voting behaviour or sleaze, but no, I write about David Cameron doing his washing up and his attempts to look cool to us kids. Admittedly, it has been interesting comparing what he's done to what Labour did (you may not find it interesting but hey, you only have to read about another paragraph of my enjoyment...) and seeing what else he's up to. It also let's me get the word "tosser" into a coursework which was probably the main reason why I chose to do it.
Anyway, in the course of this work, I've invariably made 'friends' on MySpace with the various Labour MPs and joined a Facebook group in support of Alan Johnson. I'm cool... However, is it sad that forty year old MPs are having accounts set up for them by their younger aides? Do you feel threatened by a Minister adding "Acceptable in the 80s" to their profile? And worse still, can you imagine John Prescott doing a MySpace pose? (Apologises if your appetite was ruined).
This reminds me, I get to vote next month for like the very first time. Admittedly, it's only the council elections and the Conservatives will probably win, but I'm sure my vote for the erm... Green Party will not be wasted.
In other news, I'm back! My excuse this time was a holiday to the wonderful country of Hungary (which ironically next to Turkey haha...). My Easter vacation took me to Budapest with five of my trusted friends all of whom wanted to sample the cultural delights of...
...Tesco, Lidl, Marks and Spencer, C&A and H&M.
Of course, we did see some statues (Communist-inclined and not), a large hill with a castle on it, another hill with a church and war memorial, a river, some trees and various dining outlets. It wasn't a bad place at all, with accommodation totalling £7 a night and a transport system that was both cheap and efficient and didn't contain those chav-types- that alone made me want to move there. One also managed to spot some American kids doing Borat impressions and get slightly inebriated on the plane ride home. Overall, a worthwhile trip.
Finally, two things- one, the revision section returns! and two, I should point out my sadness that Kate and William have split up due to media pressures. I hope Queenie! is alright...
Revision- The reasons for the escalation of the Vietnam War are many. Some point to civil war aspects while others see it as an example of the wider Cold War ideology problems between capitalism and communism.
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=][= 3月25日 Skin GraftAs you may have guessed, I'm not the most sport-inclined person you will meet. Of course I have dabbled in fencing, sped around on roller blades, done alright in a few hundred metres races, was a mean defender in mandatory PE football and sprained someone's ankle by jumping on them in rugby, but besides that, I don't do much. However, as of today I feel inclined to act and complain. Following yet another dismal performance by England (I couldn't even watch it due to Sky- see earlier blogs re: 'Lost'- though news still filtered through) I think action must be taken in some way. What could I suggest? Performance-enhancing drugs? A pay cut? Beckham?
They crossed my mind...
My idea is brilliant, though and will probably end all ailments to the world. Anyway, get this. Directly elected football head coaches. Think about it for a moment if you will. If we had coaches who were accountable to the public, we'd be able to voice our concerns clearly; said coach would have a clear mandate to utilise the 4-4-2 and we could initiate policies that made the robot dance a compulsory victory celebration. This enhanced democracy would also mean campaigns where we the electorate, knew what we were getting and could use or typical pub-knowledge regarding football to our advantage; instead of wasted shouts at the television, our voices would be carried to the ballot box and to a cup.
Anyway, vote George Galloway to be the next England coach!
I am joking.
In other news. How good was 'Skins'? For those of you unfamiliar with this programme- it's bascially a show that supposedly reflects the youth culture of today. Though perhaps distorted by the fact that the bunch of 16 to 17 year olds get high on drugs and drunk every night it still makes rather good viewing, even if it leaves me feeling distinctly uncool.
Evidence of its genius can be seen in the last scenes below-
I wish I could sing...
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=][= 3月10日 Black MirrorWhat a week.
I went to Manchester University for an Open Day on Wednesday and got to miss college, which was good. There is no better (or indeed guilt-inducing) feeling than missing a day of school or college to do something fun like walk around, get leaflets and eat cake. Of course it was truanting- the last time one did that was in Year Five for my birthday and I can't remember what I did so it must have been good. Anyway, yep, it was a bright sunny day as I wandered around the familiar grounds of 'Man U' whilst discussing the merits of learning 'Law with Politics' at such an institution (something along the lines of more parties, more booze and more money).
Will I be going there? Probably. The reason was solely based on the cakes- if a Uni gives good cake and fizzy water at the end of a tour you know you're in safe hands.
Because I enjoyed myself so very much that day I totally forgot about Results Day. Results Day is a little bit like getting drunk. You are okay to start off with (sat in class), but as you go on, getting more and more tipsy with the joys of algebra and electoral irregularities, you suddenly feel like you are going to wretch into somebody's lap coupled with thoughts that the person sitting next to you is "well fit" and the need to start a fight with a filing cabinet. I felt like this approximately three minutes before running out of the lesson to join the lovely queue to collect them, but those feeling dissipated soon after- I had done okay!
You can tell the amount of stress I have gone through: the arduous choice between cakes and queuing for results. I should be writing self-help books on such matters.
Political news!
Like oh my God, the MPs voted in favour of voting in favour of changing the House of Lords, by making it elected rather than appointed. This is great news for democracy due in part to the idea that decisions regarding policy will be made by people chosen by the people rather than the government or via hereditary principles (ya know, Lord Thingymabob of Dunnington whose great-great-great-grandfather used to be the King's gardener). This means that when it finally comes around, I may very well be of standing age- thus, look out for Lord Writer of Boxingdon. You know it would rock.
One other issue though, is the renaming of the chamber. The government suggested 'The Reformed Chamber'. I think 'The Chamber of Secrets' would be better because it would get more kids involved in politics in this increasingly apathetic society...
Castaway news!
If you watch the BBC, you will notice that they have begun a new reality show called 'Castaway'. Take a look at the website HERE. You may recognise the format; a group of strangers on an island, sea, land, sky, some evidence of smoky shapes, an outspoken male leader, a sexy lady, an army man with knives...
Cashing in?!
Of course not- Danny Wallace presents it, so it's good and you should watch it.
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2月19日 Just a quick note...Consider this an in-between blog.
Take a look at the fabulous video to your right. It is by a band called 'Crash My Model Car' who are pretty darn good and you should download their music etc etc. However, that is not at all, I have just realised on watching the video to the end that they don boxes and dance about and therefore they have inadvertently joined my Box Cult.
Welcome them.
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=][= 2月11日 My Guillemots adventure!The most insane day. Who would have thought when I woke up on that morning that within sixteen hours I'd be in a car, in snow, with an empty bottle of Corona and a signed lettuce next to my feet, feeling giddy after seeing the Lord Chancellor as well as the best live show in the world?
You may mistake me for a madman. I, however, kid you not. Post college, I found myself on a train paying the optimum price to get into Manchester, the frankly depression-inducing total of £2.80 for a single, in order to see a talk by Lord Falconer (the apex of the breach in the separation of powers for politics fans) giving a talk on Human Rights and Common Sense before going on to the main event, that of seeing the Guillemots for the third time within a year. This meant queuing for an hour in frosty conditions with my good friend Gertrude (Lauren) whilst being harangued by ticket touts and surrounded by 'New-Ravers'. It was, however, worth it as we got in third and fourth respectively (I call it dedication) and were duly rewarded with VIP passes to go up on stage and bang some percussion during the closing song (to which I said yes and Lauren, perhaps wisely, no- thus saving much embarrassment for herself). The show itself was a spectacle and spectacular- you cannot get that Guillemots vibe truly until you see them live. It confuses, it dazzles, it takes the current of music now and it shoots off at a tangent, fusing genres like alchemic compounds- put shortly, they make me like hip-hop. Every song, loud and quiet, long and short, is a breath of fresh air and you can feel it invigorate the senses. The crowd showed it- you don't always hear cheers as loud as that. Now, the best. In my scarf/hat, I was drawing some pretty distinct looks from people, including the immediate crowd, roadies and band (maybe)- I like to think they were in awe of me. No, I know they were awe. Ahem... Either way, it created a discussion point post gig, but first to the event in question. For the last song, they called up the four people to bang what appeared to be a large metal bird with drumsticks. Thus, I had to manoeuvre and around to the backstage whereby I met up with three other equally bemused but brilliantly friendly people. We then donned white coats and were told to "beat the shit" out of the metal Guillemot by the tour manager. And we did. It was exhilarating. And then afterwards, as the crowd departed, we were led to the dressing room and given drinks and were allowed to sit within this hallowed room and talk to the band. Suffice to say, it was a good length of time and unique, marked with my attempts to sneak Lauren backstage as well as the idea to take food as memorabilia, with Chris (one of the fellow four) taking the genius Edam and I the iceberg lettuce, each of course signed by Arista. And then we departed. And so concludes the insane day. Thanks for the memories. "free to run and hide"
Spelling- exhilarating- e-x-h-i-l-a-r-a-t-i-n-g bb =][= 2月8日 It's snow joke.Snow, snow everywhere but not a single flake in Bolton. That was the situation as of 8.03 this morning when I looked out of the window and despaired. While GMTV had people sending in grainy images of their front lawns at three in the morning (don't these people have anything better to do in their lives, like sleep or get a job at Tescos?), I was almost in tears as pure coldness blew instead of ice- a cruel irony seeing as the last snow fell about 433 days ago and even then it may as well have not bothered and gone and made a cup of tea.
But lo! Snow did begin to fall. Was it the six inches promised? Were my childish wishes fulfilled as I travelled to college via husky? Was I able to throw a snowball at teachers and write rude words like "boob" on their windscreens?
No.
Not one bit, because the total snowfall in Bolton probably amounted to a sink-ful, and that's when you scrape all the brown muck from under the car. And to top it off, rain is now forecast which signifies the end of winter and the start of the green bit of the cycle. I don't know about you, but seeing rain fall on snow is the equivalent of a child's sandcastle being kicked by an overweight bully- it's not big, it's not clever and it ruins beauty, almost like slashing holes in paintings.
Anyway, enough of the aesthetics, I have a job! I have been drafted in to write for the college's new political newspaper. Is this a wise thing one asks? I think so. My first task is to write about a philosopher which would mean the use of delicious quotes such as "Life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short" (Hobbes) or "Man is born free and everywhere he is in chains" (Rousseau), so I can look pretentious and knowledgeable when I really am not. More fool them...
I will leave you now with some interesting news-
Harry Potter and the Attack of the Clouds is out on the 21st July! I'm like soooo excited and will probably be there at midnight for old time's sakes. And for the record, this House believes that Potter will probably die, but Hermione won't because she's nice.
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=][= 1月20日 KnittingIt's all kicking off isn't it?
I write off Big Brother as soon as Leo Sayer goes and what happens next? The naked one from yonder ago goes and causes a diplomatic crisis. One only has to view BBC News 24 for roughly 19 seconds before some reference is made to the incident, even in seemingly unconnected stories. Apparently, for example, the union between England and Scotland is now under threat due to this; the break up being a form of protest. In another area, the recent freak weather we've been having too has been linked to the so called 'media storm', with the sheer use of the words "Big" and "Brother" causing high winds and even contributing to rising CO2 levels in the atmosphere.
I've not seen a story milked so much since Take That split up. That's the level we are talking about here people. Still, what she did say and her actions do constitute bullying which should not be condoned in any form- it's not big and it's not clever. Was she racist? Yes. But is it on the same level as those-whom-we-shall-not-mention? No, of course not. The trouble with it all is that people see prejudice in one light, when it is actually a spectrum (as is everything)- what she showed was pig-ignorance and idiocy and an example has been made of her and hopefully people will follow the idiom- think before you speak. This ignorance was maybe simple ignorance that everyone has shown from time to time, which again, I stress, is bad, but the attention she is getting at the moment seems to be going a bit over the top in my opinion. I say let the public decide.
Oh, I want Chantelle to win. Wouldn't it be funny if a non-celebrity won?!
In other news. Well, there isn't (see above). I will just make something up therefore. Well, this is true. On Thursday I was sat in Politics, at the front, listening hard to the demerits of the Electoral College in America when all of a sudden an almighty crash resounded behind our enthused ears. Looking behind, we beheld the sight of a ventilator falling off the roof and crashing to the ground in a Lost-esque fashion (I was quoted saying "It's like Lost!" much to the loss of my remaining credibility). In a later exam, two rows had to be moved in case this epic piece of engineering decided to lift off and crash through the wall and doors to the Study Area in the name of 'Health and Safety'. At my college, people care.
And yes, it's exam time, which I will use as an excuse for the length of time Happy New Year has been parading in your faces. I do mean it; have a good one, though, because I am a nice person. And here is the second blog of the New Year as you have guessed. What are everyone's New Year's resolutions by the way? (Oh the cliché!)...
In music news. I'm going for my thricely visit to both Regina Spektor and Guillemots, plus a firstly visit to see Keane in the death-pit of the MEN Arena (although, I don't expect there to be any moshing at Keane). If you haven't heard of any of these people/bands, where have you been? I urge you now to close this damn box that is blocking your way, go on Google (or another friendly search engine) and finding their My Spaces (or other friendly social networking sites) and cranking up your computer speakers to at least five.
Or better still, go and see them live as they are good. Guillemots are up for a Brit, so they must be good...
Until next time.
(Remember, vote Chantelle!)
Revision note- in order to win the presidency in America, a candidate must obtain an absolute majority of the Electoral College Votes (270 of a possible 538).
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=][= 1月1日 Happy New Year!Should I be doing something more constructive?
No
Spelling- Auld Lang Syne- A-u-l-d L-a-n-g S-y-n-e bb =][= 12月23日 Smogwatch- the smogblog- for those who love smog...That Killer Smog is wreaking its sorry vengeance upon us all and all I can say is "shit, it's been a good life; thanks for the biscuits".
If you have had your antennae tuned to the news, you will have noticed that there have been large amounts of dense fog, or as I have called it, KILLER SMOG. I was unfortunately affected by it a few days ago, when it attempted to suck my life away as I munched on a candystick. But I fought the callous cloud back with an assortment of sweets, including Bertie Bassets, yet still, for a matter of minutes I was left, breathless, traumatised and wet.
I have read articles that report that this smog has recently moved to our airports and is now engaged in preventing take-off of aeroplanes, undoubtedly to stop our burgeoning holiday getaways and whatnots. I have no idea why, but can speculate- is this smog a disgruntled passenger of Ryanair perhaps, who didn't manage to obtain a cage for one of their flights to Iceland? Or is it even a member of Greenpeace, taking part in militant action against the environment-destroying-capitalist-scumbags who actually pay you to take a holiday? Or, and this is the option that I favour, is it a ploy by the producers of the popular television programme, 'Lost' to advertise its existence on that terrestrial-destroying-capitalist-scumbag channel Sky One?
Taking the latter, think about it. Both feature in the show, both have cloud-like qualities, both are lighter than air, both probably make clicking and whirring noises, both attack prominent members of the cast (peace out Eko) and finally, both have an affinity for planes! The evidence is literally overwhelming for this and it sickens me that those bastards at Sky One would release such a thing as a killer cloud upon us... and my Bertie Bassets.
Following the news that the next leg of the Killer Smog tour is about to start in France, the air was deemed by Defra to be clear enough to allow for a pillow fight of some proportion in the great city of Manchester. Surely you know you live in the best place in the world when they give up their town hall for such a commodity as a pillow fight, but still, spirits have to be raised after many people were attacked by said Smog.
I will return soon with pictures of the event...
In other news, the title of the new Harry Potter book has been revealed! I only came across the information from AOL, so thanks to them. For those of you who don't want to know the result, please look away now-
The title is...
"Harry Potter and the Attack of the Clouds"
I can't speculate at all what this could entail, but I have a feeling that a deal to some description has been done by JK and the bastards at Sky One. That Smog is rich as well as dangerous. Like Blofeld.
 "Smog attacks innocent children at a local high school. Bastard"
Anyway, Merry Christmas!
Spelling- smog- s-m-o-g
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=][= 12月11日 I want a Wii...It's a sad, sad situation when you are compelled to write a blog for the sole purpose of advertising the witty title. But it's Christmas, give a little.
Good evening my fellow compatriots. In an amazing turn of events, I am here writing a blog within a month of the last- I marvel at my ability to co-ordinate myself and my efficiency. One of the reasons for this perhaps lies in the fact that for a family-orientated blog, having the latest one contain "tosser" was not the best idea (although that is in some way undermined by the fact that I have repeated the word "tosser" there and oh(!) just there too). It's a helter-skelter of profanity.
Moving on.
So, Nintendo, the people that brought the single best game in the entirety of the universe that will outlive you all and time and everything- Pokémon- have brought out a new console. I first read about it with some mild amusement- it was called the Nintendo 'Wii'. "Haha", my infantile mind ran, "it sounds like 'wee'" etc etc. Toiletries aside, I was amazed to discover that the console worked using technical witchcraft, more commonly known as motion sensors.
Naturally, this is a brilliant concept. Who wants to be sat on a chair, bleary-eyed playing a game with buttons and a piece of plastic on a string, when they can be stood, yes stood, with this remote and can move with it. So for example, you can stand and play brilliant games like bowling, archery, clay pigeon shooting, swimming, horse-riding, tennis, flirt, drive, fly and eat. Of course this will set you back a meagre £179.99, but think of the benefits- you can play tennis, in your house. For £200?! You're kidding me...
(Surely, though (you see where this is heading), surely it would be a tiny bit cheaper to take three steps out of your house, pick up a 'ball' and a 'racket' or heavens forbid, a football, and actually hit it with your own body.
This revelation has still to hit some people, but that's Kyle's money saving tip of the day: forget queuing for 17 hours outside Dixons and go to a park.
Also, you may avoid problems like this lot-
In other news...
I started driving.
*insert shock, horror, tears, screams*
I know, it's an impossible situation- how can someone with no concept of seeing, like myself, be able to drive? That's what I keep asking myself too when I forgot how to apply the brakes and nearly crashed into a selection of bushes. However, I have survived somehow to re-tell my tale. Naturally, the urge to drive has grown with the failings of the bus services (see blogs below)- in short, they have not improved.
And finally...
Go and see James Bond as it is good.
Spelling- complaint- c-o-m-p-l-a-i-n-t
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=][= 11月24日 AlkipolitikasA Tory called me a "tosser" yesterday.
Yes, it's true, I've entered the disastrous high-rise world of politics, or started at the bottom of the "greasy pole". I'm only joking. I am now entitled to vote, but can't be elected for another three years (sigh). Either way, I was still called a "tosser" by none other than David Cameroon. I liked 'Dave'; like me, he blogged, rode on a bike, had a wind turbine on his roof, was included in a sexiest man poll, however all those good will feelings were dashed by that one statement.
You see, it all started when I visited this here website-
Apparently, as a young person, I am prone to something called 'debt'. Apparently, I go into shops and buy loooads of stuff using something called a credit card which issues free money. Apparently, I have a laid back approach to this free money and as a result this thing called debt gets bigger, the more I spend.
Because of this (I remind you) hypothetical situation, I am being branded a "tosser". And you too as a young person reading this (if you are an older reader, welcome and take heart in not being a "tosser" and pity us young 'uns). Either way, it is a rather drastic plan by la Conservative P-a-r-t-a-y in order to jazz up its appearance; other examples which include a changing of their logo from a torch to a tree and the setting up of a website called 'Webcameron'. Incidentally, I have also set up my own video website, which will feature me in my own home washing up and looking like the 'Everyman' (i.e. I actually eat, sleep, sometimes drink, go outside, sleep, listen to music, read, make Blu-tack shapes and count the paving slabs on my porch).
I don't really appreciate being called a "tosser", hence said blog and sideswipes, it looks to me like a gimmick to get the shock value, like the Sex Pistols swearing or getting Matt Willis on Get Me Out Of Here. They may have good intentions, but all the same, will they really make the point with a sleazy faux-American personal shopper-daemon who says "bling, bling, bling" like it's cool or using a CosmoGirl inspired quiz?
(By the way, on that quiz, it said that I was safe with my money- go me...).
The Lost saga continues. Five days now, and I am still looking for the first two episodes. So far it's been a dense jungle, with no end in sight; it's like I'm on an island with no hope of escape or salvation. I'm losing the will to go on...
Did you like that analogy?
Anyway, indeed, again thanks to Sky I am still 'Lost' (haha). Further to this, they seem to be taunting me by repeating it constantly on Sky One and Two, but not on Sky Three (the redundant Freeview channel). What do I have in terms of sustenance? Constant repeats of 'Friends' and 'Lazytown', a new series of 'Arthur' which has gone downhill with yet another voice change and the engrossing 'ASBO Teen to Beauty Queen' which seems to be a repeat of 'Ladette to Lady' which seems to be a repeat of a segment on the 'Jeremy Kyle' show. Thank God for Torchwood.
Another factor, a thought provoking one at that, which I shall leave you with is this. During advertisements, why do the creators insist on dubbing clearly American adverts with British (RP) voices? What do they take us for? Tossers? I don't think Billy Jean in her house in Grimsby will be fooled by the badly superimposed voice of Derek from Wokingham over an advert for Febreeze... The worst offenders are perfume commercials and the Glade one for the device that emits nice smells with the seriously lonely kid that sits around all day counting them (if someone's parents needed a Supernanny...).
Spelling- superimpose- s-u-p-e-r-i-m-p-o-s-e
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=][= 10月24日 Immortal is the written word.I've just realised something. I'm a boring bastard... It's with a sad but accepting feeling that I admit this; indeed, I was living in my dream world where everyone loved me and laughed at my jokes on MSN and I have fifteen conversations on the go about all manner of topics ranging from religion, to the state of the humanitarian crisis down to the intricacies of music until about seventeen minutes ago when the bombshell hit. I only have three conversations on the go and two of them are about how good the day was (it wasn't) and the other was about grammar. Maybe I should go on holiday somewhere like the Lake District or Penrith. Maybe I should tidy my room.
Moving on.
Hello!
Is he back? Yes? No? Well I'm here at the moment so it's a yes. Reason for my AWOLness? Sheer laziness mixed with a double dose of lethargy topped with an olive of boredom. I'm sorry.
But in that absence, new and stories I have gathered to transcribe. Are we sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin...
As recently as Saturday I dabbled in that evil of the world known as allckihool. Whilst there, l met one drink called 'Jack Daniels'. It was initially a friendly meeting; everything about it was great, we had a laugh, and thus followed three other visits, before I met Mr Carling and his wife Voodcar. They were less friendly, but still pleasant acquaintances. However, the real journey into despair began when I got home and felt very, very ill. Needless to say, I only had two hours sleep as images of my new found alkkiholik friends floated about my head making jeering faces and horrible noises- it wasn't a pretty sight.
The moral of the story is do not meet these people. If I had money I'd put out wanted posters for these evil manifestations. Come back coke- I still love you...
An annoying piece of information came to me the other day. Queenie sent a royal message via the phonus mobilus. Apparently, some tit at the digital channel 'Pie in the Sky 1' decided to flex his chequebook, get out a rather expensive pen, place the optimum scribing tip on a line and place a two followed by a multitude of zeroes. What was his aim? A new house? A large dog? A cuddly toy? Perhaps, even, he had had a meeting with ol' Jack? Good answers, but no. Our intelligent friend decided to buy the best-TV-show-in-the-entire-world-besides-Thunderbirds, that is Lost. Now for those of us who don't want approximately three million channels including such gems like Sky 7, Quizmania and KISS and have opted for the brilliant Freeview with the brand spanking new Five US channel, this is a bit of kick in the proverbial goolies. How on earth am I going to be able to watch the show without sneaking into next door's garden again with the binoculars? It's almost as if someone came into my room and ripped Harry Potter in half before I got to chapter 300; it's not on and it's not with the programme. Perhaps I should go to their headquarters and through coconuts at their windows in protest.
I urge you all to do the same.
In a positive piece of news. I believe that our stringent campaign has worked and Pluto has its status back. Well done.
Spelling- vodka- v-o-d-k-a
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=][= 9月29日 PhonemastI'm alive.
I did see the Director General, but he thankfully did not see me. This did not, however, stop his bodyguard from chasing me down a corridor with what looked like a script for a new comedy based on the Home Office- it was dreadful (the script was- I escaped). Despite this, i've come to repect the BBC, to an extent, for their taste of music used int heir idents. For example, their new Robin Hood trailer had a small snippet from the end of 'Y Control' by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (yeah to the power 3) and additionally in the past, have used 'Clocks' by Coldplay and famously 'Hoppipolla' by Sigur Ros. I raise my glass of mead to them.
The reason for this untimely blog is to flag up this story I found. It would seem that I have found a conemporary in Lily Allen, who shares my dislike of Strawberriesandpeaches Geldof. She also makes good music.
I don't of course endorse her acts of violence, but she does sum up my feelings about her Islam programme pretty well.
Buy LDN.
Spelling- contemporary- c-o-n-t-e-m-p-o-r-a-r-y
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=][= 9月20日 Boxing CleverI'm currently on the run, location a secret, but it's near the Eiffel Tower. The reason for my quick getaway I will momentarily throw open for your spectoral enjoyment.
Am I on the run for-
A) Drug smuggling?
B) Playing loud music?
C) Stalking minor celebrities?
D) The BBC has located my good boxing self and has dispatched its head Dalek, or the Director General himself, to assassinate me.
Answers below-
Mainly As- What a shame! As you know, Kyle abhors drugs, alkihol, sigeretes, marifridgeuana, kokoain etc. Start again.
Mainly Bs- Close- Kyle does play loud music, but not loud enough to breach legislation that would get him an ASBO. Try next door...
Mainly Cs- True to a large extent- I still need to update about my Peaches exploits, but it isn't a right answer today!
Mainly Ds- You are correct!
So why are the BBC chasing me do you ask? Why are they spending all that licence fee money on trying to hone in on my beautiful self? Well, time for some history. As you may know, last year, my blog was intercepted by a BBC representative (allegedly Jeremy Paxman) and as a result, it was deleted, causing terrible upset to myself and others- the only light in the darkness, extinguished! But I rose again under a new guise, and have so far evaded their terrible claws.
Until now that is.
I heard to day from one teacher, a warning if you will, that the Director General (Mark Thompson) of the BBC- the head honcho who runs the show- will be coming to my college on Monday for one hour and thirty minutes of mayhem. Now we know what this mayhem is. They will burst in on me, as I diligently work and whish me off in their TARDIS to some undisclosed place to steal my secrets of success and then... remove my box.
In addition to this, I've also been informed that the BBC is planning on moving its base of operations to Manchester- a hair's breadth away from me. So here I am, in Eiffeltowerland, trying to blend in. Please can you spare any lose change?
In other news...
I'm am angered to here that Smarties have removed the only good Smartie in the world and replaced it with another on; another colour- that of white, for the blue one. And they changed the bloody box. Life is rubbish.
Spelling- charity- c-h-a-r-i-t-y
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=][= 9月13日 Son of a Preacher ManNew iPods!
*Swoon*
Apparently Apple are bringing out a new gadget that allows you to watch downloaded stuff on ye olde telebox (what are they again?). They called it by the extremely inventive name-
iTV
Recognise it? It's number three on your remote. Yep, the rubbishy one with Love Island and Stephen Mulhern. One smells a lawsuit coming on...
Spelling- muscle- m-u-s-c-l-e
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=][= Mr. Writer™A diligent adherer to the philosophy of ennui |
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